


Healer and Hurt

by Fessran



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Cathartic Crying, Cuddling, Established Relationship, M/M, Nonbinary Kurapika, cuz leorio is not just kurapikas emotional crutch let kurapika comfort him too, gay shit cuz its pride month, hurt/comfort (i guess?), i call this one I Am Writing What I Want To Read, i mean im gay all year though so theres that too, idk how people tag fics, quite a few years in the future from where we are now in canon, rated T for just general trigger warnings of medical mentions and death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 13:23:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19110556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fessran/pseuds/Fessran
Summary: Leorio knows, logically, that he was never going to be able to save everyone. That doesn't make it any easier to accept when he loses a patient.Luckily he doesn't come home to an empty apartment anymore, and everything is a lot easier with Kurapika there to help.





	Healer and Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> This fic arose from there being a distinct lack of content where Leorio's the one being taken care of through the bad times. A lot of the time people will talk about Leorio comforting Kurapika and while I love that, don’t get me wrong, Leorio needs that sometimes too, and of course Kurapika is going to be there for him.

Leorio’s latest shift had been long and gruelling, filled with tampered down desperate hope and the pain of losing a patient he’d worked _so damn hard_ to save. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last, but he never got over it. He didn’t get over it while being on the Black Whale while hundreds died under his care (because he couldn’t _do anything_ he couldn’t _help_ ), and he didn’t get over it on the Dark Continent (when fewer people died, but more people he _knew_ ) and he didn’t get over it now after being officially stated as a doctor. It was one of those things his mother had warned him about, a kid determined to be a doctor- _are you sure Leo…? I worry your heart is too kind for death..._ \- and his siblings had teased him for- being _too soft_. He was just tired after Pietro. He didn’t want anyone else to die.

But this was life, and people died. And he was a doctor, so sometimes it was because of _him_.

He’d just wanted to help people.

It had been a long day. He was ready to go cry in the shower or something.

Leorio slotted the key into the door, pressing his shoulder blade into it and turning the key so the door opened. He slowly entered and shut the door behind him, clicking it shut with a soft noise. He turned back around with a heavy sigh, setting his briefcase on the couch and shrugging off his coat to rest on top of the briefcase without much care. He bent down to take off his shoes and jumped, nearly falling forward when he heard the sound of footsteps coming from the other direction.

He reacted a few seconds too late, taking a moment of pause to look up and blink numbly at Kurapika. They were coming out of the hall that led to their bedroom with a blanket draped over one shoulder and arm and a mug of tea in the other, staring at him questioningly, both eyebrows raised high enough that they hid under their bangs.

“Hi,” Kurapika said. “You’re home late.”

Leorio had not forgotten that Kurapika lived here with him or anything, but he kept finding a little pleasant jolt of surprise when he’d walk in and Kurapika would just- be there. Home. With him. Not gonna run off on their suicidal eyeball fetching quest. No, that had already passed, completed. Thank god. It was a lot better for Leorio’s anxiety, knowing where Kurapika was.

Kurapika was watching him, frowning. “Are you okay?” They asked. “You look… tired.”

Leorio thought that was rather generous. He did feel tired. Very, very tired. “I am,” he said, groggily. “I’m not surprised it’s showing. M’okay though, it’s...” He trailed off weakly, unsure where he was going and unable to follow through with such an obvious lie.

Kurapika crossed the remaining distance between them, setting the blanket on the couch and the mug on the table. They tucked some stray blonde hair behind their ear and reached up to set their hands carefully on his biceps, looking him over with their eyebrows knitted together over their dark brown eyes. Leorio felt a surge of affection for them, though muted through his grogginess. He closed his eyes and hunched over a bit so he could rest his face on their shoulder. Kurapika was more than half a foot shorter than him so it was a bit of reach, but they allowed it, carefully pulling one arm over his back to press him in closer.

“You _are_ tired,” they murmured, “and you’re not okay.” It wasn’t a question. They turned their head so their lips were nearly pressed into Leorio’s bristly hair. Leorio didn’t react.

Kurapika made a soft sound and tugged on the sleeves of his scrubs. “Go take a shower,” they said, leaning back and patting him on the chest as he raised his head. “I’ll make you food.”

“ _You’ll_ make me food?” Leorio muttered, too tired to engage in banter but concerned about Kurapika’s cooking ability through the depressed haze clouding his mind. “Don’t set the kitchen on fire. For the fourth time.”

“I spoke too soon,” Kurapika said, brushing their hair behind their ear again and taking a step back, much to Leorio’s disappointment. “I won’t be making you food. The microwave does all the work for me. Also-” they gently extracted the shoe Leorio was gripping in his hand- Leorio hadn’t realized he was still holding it- and set it with its mate near the door, “Go shower now, because you need to get out of your work clothes to feel better, and I won’t cuddle with you if you smell like a hospital.”

“Ouch, I didn’t realize your affection was reliant on how nice I smell at the moment,” Leorio said teasingly, but he headed back down the hallway towards the bathroom anyway. He was not going to miss one of Kurapika’s rare moods where they volunteered physical affection first, and god knew he needed a hug right now (he could always use a hug, really, but the Need A Hug feeling was intense right now).

Once he got to their room he stripped out of his scrubs and threw them in the laundry hamper, then stepped into the connected bathroom to crank the shower handle to hot. He waited, gazing blankly at his toothbrush and medication bottles at their space on the sink beside Kurapika’s (Leorio’s meds were in a weekly pill container, because he actually was organized, unlike _someone_ in their apartment, who just left their medication bottles huddled together on counter no matter how many times Leorio told them it would be smarter to keep them in a container, and then maybe they’d stop forgetting to take their damn meds). He waited until steam started fogging the mirror and moistening the air. The shower he took in a daze, unable to remember any of it when he stepped out again to towel off, though he was aware that his mouth tasted suspiciously of salt that hadn’t been rinsed off by the stream of shower water in time, and his eyes had started hurting, which made him wonder how long he’d been standing under the water crying without even realizing it. Kurapika hadn’t kicked the door down, so he figured he hadn’t taken that long.

Stepping out of the bathroom in a cloud of stream, he stood still for a moment, trying to remember what he was supposed to be doing, then remembered and shuffled off to put on boxers and pajamas. He also attempted to grab one of the blankets off of their bed, but Kurapika had tucked the sides in so thoroughly that he quickly gave up and went hunting for them and the food and cuddles they’d promised instead(which were always better than a blanket anyway).

Leorio wandered into the kitchen, shocked when he saw Kurapika actually at the stove instead of the microwave like they’d said. He sniffed the air halfheartedly to check for any dry crackling telltale smell but whatever it was Kurapika wasn’t doing a bad enough job to burn it, surprisingly.

“Hey,” Kurapika said when he got up to them, hovering uncertainly at their side. Kurapika dropped the wooden spoon onto a coaster next to the pot and turned to look up at him. “This is almost done, or I’d give you a hug.”

Leorio sighed and leaned against the counter so his forearm leaned against Kurapika’s shoulder (there was a pretty disparate height difference). “It’s fine, I’ve lasted this long. I appreciate anything.”

Kurapika wrapped an arm around Leorio’s chest to give him a quick squeeze, then turned back to… what was looking like some sort of soup but Leorio wasn’t really sure and was too tired to ask like he usually would. He stared at the ground as Kurapika fiddled with the heat, then blinked when he realized hands were pushing him in the back, directing him to the table.

“Hot meal coming up,” Kurapika announced, plating up and dropping it in front of him. “I’m going to put the rest of the food away.”

“Okay,” Leorio said. Frowning at the spoon he picked it up and started to eat, feeling like the actions were way too mechanical for one of the rare times Kurapika actually made food but the haze was still too cloudy to focus. The haze made everything easier, anyway. Leorio would take it over the crushing sense of loss and- _oh no now you’ve done it Leorio_ , he admonished himself.

“Kurapika,” Leorio said by way of getting his mind off of it, brandishing the spoon, “this is really bad. I appreciate you making it- trying to make it?- and everything but I never want to eat it again.”

“It’s hot and its food,” Kurapika said unsympathetically, never one to feel the proper amount of shame at their terrible cooking ability. They snapped the tupperware container shut, taking mind to soften the noise with a palm, and moved around the kitchen putting the cooking utensils away, then came and took his bowl and spoon to wash off in the sink. Leorio blinked at his hands; for all his talk, he hadn’t actually tasted any of it or noticed he had finished. Man, he was really not doing well, was he.

“Leorio,” Kurapika said, softly. They were back by his side. They hooked an arm under his and pushed him up. “Come sit.” Leorio followed. Now that he wasn’t being asked to do anything like eat or talk the part of his brain that could handle verbal communication and thought processes shut off. Leorio didn’t notice, too swept up in a rush of sudden emotion. He sank into the couch while Kurapika dragged a blanket over to them, sitting close to Leorio and shifting while they rearranged the blanket to be thrown over both their shoulders. Leorio noticed vaguely that it was heavy - _so Kurapika’s weighted blanket_ \- but he didn’t comment on it, appreciating the immediate comfort and the way his body instinctively relaxed a little. Kurapika slung their arms over Leorio and brought him close to their chest; Leorio shifted a bit so he could breathe and pressed against Kurapika, who held him tightly. Leorio was a lot bigger than Kurapika was, in height and in general breadth, but Kurapika had always managed to be able to shift Leorio’s limbs till he was folded up to where they were both comfortable. They were a really good big spoon.

Leorio would have been happy curling up against Kurapika for the rest of the night, no tears necessary, but he had just been waiting for the exact feeling of Kurapika’s hands rubbing reassuring circles into his back, murmuring in a language Leorio was just beginning to understand into his hair, before breaking down.

Leorio _did_ cry a lot, to be fair, so he was experienced at it, but not for negative reasons. He just had a lot of intense emotions and that was automatically how his body expressed, well- most of them. He didn’t full-body sob, though, the shaking and hiccuping and sometimes loud kind where it felt like your heart was breaking in your chest and the sobs were gritting out of your throat all ragged and your eyes burned like hell. That was the kind Leorio did now.

He didn’t even try to talk through most of it, just sobbed into Kurapika’s chest. He could barely feel anything but the release of the mounting anxiety and pressure in his chest and Kurapika’s knees pressed against him, their voice staying at the same volume while Leorio’s crying went from loud to soft to sniffly and miserable and back again. He didn’t know how long he stayed there just crying before he rubbed his hand over his nose and the stubble on his jaw and pressed his forehead into Kurapika’s chest like a nuzzle. He tried to catch his breath through the gasping that came from suddenly trying to halt sobbing. Kurapika rested their cheek against his hair, tracing their fingers up and down his back reassuringly.

“I lost him,” Leorio muttered dejectedly, voice surprisingly steady.“I tried so hard. I t-” his voice broke on the first syllable and he bit his lip to keep from crying again.

Kurapika didn’t say anything, just moved a bit so they were nuzzling the scruff on his neck.

“I had to talk to his family,” Leorio said through his tears. He clutched harder to Kurapikas shirt and they wedged him closer, their arms warm and safe.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Kurapika murmured. “I’m so sorry. I know how hard this is for you.”

Leorio sniffled, trying to not get tears or snot on Kurapika’s shirt, though he was pretty sure he’d already failed (and well, Kurapika knew what they were getting into when they let Leorio cry on them, because Leorio was a very gross cryer, and it wasn’t very pretty). “Yeah.” Leorio paused and then just let it all out, all the words that had been locked up in his chest, how his nen should’ve been strong enough to help the patient pull through, and the talk to the family that had gone understandably terribly, and the looks his nurses had given him when he’d fumbled for his keys in the parking lot for the drive back home, and his awful, eating guilt. Kurapika listened, murmuring and nodding until Leorio trailed off and was quiet.

Kurapika pressed their face into the top of his damp hair, acknowledging that in that moment, nothing they could say would make it better.

After a few minutes of pause where they gathered their thoughts, they said something anyway though, which Leorio appreciated, because Kurapika had a hard time saying anything during emotional moments like this because they liked to be sure they wouldn’t mess up. Leorio didn’t care if they messed up, but he couldn’t force them to say what was on their mind, and he didn’t want to. As long as Kurapika was genuinely trying to help, the words themselves wouldn’t matter too much.

“I love you,” they said, almost sternly. _Okay_ , Leorio thought, _maybe the words do matter_. “You tried your best. I know you. You‘re so tired now because you tried so hard.”

Leorio was quiet. “If I’d just given him to the hospital where they were more equipped, or gotten more sleep, maybe…”

“No,” Kurapika said. “I know you’re going to blame yourself regardless, because you’re just that kind of person. You’re always giving so much of yourself into your work, and I love and respect that about you, but I can’t in good conscience let you get up from this couch before I tell you to please give yourself credit for _trying_ .” They paused, ran their fingers through his hair. “You made a call that you thought was best. It didn’t work out this time, but that can’t stop you from trusting your own decisions. You won’t be able to save everyone. And it hurts, and it doesn’t feel okay, but _I_ know and _you_ know you’ll do better next time. You’re always doing your best. Okay?”

Leorio sniffled. “Okay.”

“You don’t even have to worry,” Kurapika said, softly. “About whether or not you’re doing your best. Because you’re just the kind of person who always does, regardless of the circumstances.”

“I know,” Leorio said miserably. “My best just doesn’t feel good enough.”

“I know exactly how you feel in that regard, but honey, that’s bullshit,” Kurapika said. “You work damn hard, and you’re very, very good at what you do. Trust me. I am always right.”

Leorio laughed hollowly in shocked disbelief, but allowed it. Kurapika, generously, did not react to Leorio laughing at them, just hugged him closer to their chest as they both stopped talking.

Leorio closed his eyes and hunched to rest his head in their lap. Their pajama pants were softer than the shirt, and the flannel was a soothing blue color that didn’t hurt his head when his face got close to it. Kurapika pulled the blanket over them a bit and shifted until they were lying on their back, pulling Leorio up with that surprising strength till he was cuddled between Kurapika’s arms and the back of the couch. Leorio tucked his head into the curve of their neck, wincing a little when Kurapika’s hair got caught in his mouth. Kurapika, always noticing everything, tugged it away and bundled it up to push it behind their head, then they tugged the blanket up so it was tucked over them. 

They stayed like that for a long time, Leorio quieting and then starting to cry again, and then repeating. He dozed off at some points and when he’d crack open a heavy eyelid he didn’t know what he expected, but he just saw Kurapika, whose face was turned towards him, eyes half closed, looking calm. Leorio himself was a lot more relaxed, but also pretty hot, because with the blanket and the couch and Kurapika’s body heat he was feeling a bit overheated, but he kept forgetting every time he’d go in for another rack of sobs. The couch wasn’t really the correct size for two people lying next to each other, even pressed up together as they were. Leorio’s legs were tucked between Kurapika’s, and his socked feet hung off the end. Distantly Leorio knew he’d have to get up at some point; Kurapika would do a lot for him but Leorio knew they still had boundaries and needed time away from physical contact. They were fine for now, though, and Kurapika would move him when they needed him to. They’d certainly spend the night curled up together, whether Kurapika’s arms stayed circled around Leorio or whether it was just their hands clasped. Any touch would be welcome.

Eventually, Kurapika tapped his shoulder and Leorio groggily moved off of them, sitting up and rubbing his face with a hand. Kurapika sat up too, reaching forward to rub his shoulder for a moment in a way that felt more tender than the action itself probably constituted, before swinging their feet off the couch and heading into the kitchen to turn the light off. Leorio hadn’t been bothered by it, drifting in and out somewhere between sleep and consciousness, but now that it was off he did feel a bit of a pressure release behind his eyes. He closed his eyes for a minute, opening them again and blinking a little to readjust to the moonlight filtering in from the cracks in the window panes. Kurapika had come back over to the couch and was patting him without speaking, asking him to get up, so Leorio did, grabbing the blanket and pulling it over his shoulders and they both headed back to their room.

Leorio’s mind was quieter now as he brushed his teeth and knocked a couple pills back from the varied collection of medication bottles on his and Kurapika’s bathroom counter. He had work tomorrow so he couldn’t take any sleeping medication, especially since it was probably already early morning, or some similarly ungodly hour Kurapika and him had finally gotten off the couch at. He did have to take other medication though so he did that and then flopped back onto bed with a sigh. His mind wasn’t loudly distressed like it had been, but he still felt like shit. Kurapika had helped, but only time and his own effort could heal this.

Kurapika went into the bathroom after him and came out a few minutes later, setting a cup of water on a coaster, sitting on the side of bed with a creak, and taking their medication one at a time instead of downing them all at once like Leorio did. Leorio half-closed his eyes, listening to and feeling the soft scratchy sound of Kurapika’s pajamas on the sheet fabric, and letting it quiet his mind more than the anxiety meds he’d gratefully taken in his mix of pills earlier.

As soon as Kurapika started inching back against the headboard they let out a soft sigh and got back to their feet, tugging the top layer of well-made sheets back enough that they could wiggle in and then turn to Leorio, who hadn’t made any move to get under the sheet, still flopped on his stomach with his arms curled under his chest and chin.

“Too hot?” Kurapika asked softly.

“You know it,” Leorio said automatically. A pause, then he added, “yeah, I am. No snuggling for now?”

Kurapika reached over to pat his lower back and then curled back in on themself. “Okay. I’ll probably migrate over to you later. Word of warning.”

Leorio smiled and shifted so he was lying on his side, reaching out so he could gently thread his fingers through Kurapika’s hair. They slid their head a little closer to him across their pillow, tucked their chin a bit, smiling. Their eyes were closed and their nose was scrunched up a little, how it always did when Leorio touched them like this, just… lovingly. It was adorable. Leorio loved them so fucking much.

“I don’t mind it,” Leorio said, still soft. He was quiet for a while, moving his fingers up so they were rubbing circles on Kurapika’s scalp instead, which he knew they loved. Predictably, their hand searched for his free one under the covers, and Leorio curled his fingers with theirs, resting their intertwined hands near the level of Kurapika’s collarbones and Leorio’s chest between them.

“Thank you,” Leorio said after a bit, quiet. He opened his eyes to look at their clasped hands. He really did appreciate all of it, everything Kurapika had done and was doing and just… Kurapika in general, really.

Kurapika opened their eyes too, and met his with the tiniest quirk of their eyebrows and lips. It was hard to see in the dark of the room around them, but Leorio thought he saw the familiar reddish glow, faint but there, coming from their still mostly brown eyes.

They snuggled a little closer and Leorio navigated towards them too; Leorio might’ve been overheating, but gravity always seemed to pull the two of them into each others orbits anyway.

“Love you,” Kurapika mumbled sleepily, like an answer to his thanks, from where they had easily and quickly tucked their head under his chin, whispering against his collarbones and neck of the t-shirt he was wearing. They fisted one hand in said shirt and tilted their head back to kiss his jaw. “Lots. Don’t forget it.”

Leorio nuzzled their hair, then moved a little back so he wouldn’t sneeze. “Love you too. Don’t forget it.” He slid one arm under the sheet so he could drape it over their waist, curl his knuckles in the small of their back and brush against their spine. He debated getting fully under the covers to hook his leg over their ankle but ultimately decided not to at the moment, still too warm. He breathed in the smell of Kurapika, something faintly lemon and grassy, finally relaxing into a deeper sleep. He still felt a little shattered, a little small, a little defenseless, but it felt easier to be okay with that when he had Kurapika. His partner loved him and believed in him and stayed for him, and helped him feel strong enough to face the bad parts. It was good he didn’t have to deal with it alone.

**Author's Note:**

> god this made me so soft to write and edit, it was like every time i went in to work on it the softness increased to lethal amounts. and I had to edit a LOT I agonized way too much over this
> 
> and no the ending is not me going hoohoo emperor time this is hxh good ending nanika redacted emperor time or leorio healed kurapika with some dark continent thing or something.  
> anyway, hope you enjoyed, thank you for reading!


End file.
